This is my own mash-up of three different stories:
1: Little Red Riding Hood
2: Robin Hood
3: King Arthur
The basic layout was designed to loosely follow each original storyline and intertwine them together. Most names are from the original stories.
Once upon a time there lived a small little girl who loved to scamper about the
But today was different. Yes, today she had a plan that would save her from the Sheriff and his cronies. She was going to visit her grandmother’s house. You see, Red’s grandmother was the only representative of the small nation of Losagamia. This meant that Red would be able to take advantage of the diplomatic immunity granted to her by English law that had been set forth by King Richard, the true ruler of the land. She grabbed a picnic blanket and basket and filled it with many mysterious wonders, then exited her house with great caution.
Red slowly made her way down the road, heading towards her grandmother’s house and her own freedom. She passed tree after tree, bush after bush. She soon felt like she was moving around in circles. An hour had passed, and Red had already passed by her home six different times. It was by now that she finally realized that she had indeed been going around in circles. So she continued to pace onward, thinking of how she would escape this evil road. She became so enveloped in her own thought that her own two feet had led her off the road entirely and deep into the forest. By the time she had come out of her deep thought, she found herself at a strange lake. She had never seen this lake before in any of her jolly scampers throughout the years, and wondered how she could have missed it so many times. She approached the lakeshore and gazed upon her reflection in the ripples emanating from the center of the lake. She smiled at how amazing her red cloak appeared in the water and soon became so entranced that she did not notice the zombie-like woman that was rising from the center of the lake. The zombie woman had a body that oozed sludge. Her head was halfway off her neck, a catfish jetting out of her left eye socket, and her internal organs were completely visible due to the nonexistence of frontal skin or muscle. It was only when the zombie woman emitted an audible moan that Red came to once more and stared upon the creature’s face. She screamed, and then passed out.
Red soon found herself awakening from her unconscious state. She was lying on the ground upon the lakeshore. She looked to her left and saw a beautiful backdrop of trees and ostriches. She then looked to her right and saw the zombie woman once more. Red’s eyes flew wide open in panic and once again she began to scream. But, before she could make too much noise, the zombie woman placed a hand over Red’s mouth and muffled her screams.
“Do not fear me, Little Red Riding Hood,” said the zombie woman with a soft, dulcet tone. “I am not here to harm you, but to help you.”
“Who are you?” Red asked as the zombie woman removed the hand from her mouth.
“I am the Lady of the
“I…I don’t…know…” Red stuttered. “You…you’re kind of ugly, ma’am.”
“What did you just say, you little brat?” the zombie Lady of the
“Um…” Red started. “My name is not Arthur Pendragon.”
“But that has to be your name!” the Lady of the
“Well, I hate to disappoint you, but my name is not Arthur. My name is Little Red Riding Hood, but everyone calls me Red. And for your information, I am not dorky, I happen to be very popular with the men.”
“Do you mean Prince John, the Sheriff of Nottingham, and his elite guard?”
“How did you know, Zombie of the
“Come now, child. I am the Lady of the
“Okay, so why are you a zombie? I thought the Lady of the
“The people around this area are real litterbugs. They keep throwing their trash into the lake, hence my horrid appearance.”
“Okay, so why did you not know my name?”
“What?” the Lady of the
“If you know everything, then why did you not know of my true name?”
“I knew what your name was, child,” said the Lady of the Lake.
“Then why did you call me Arthur Pendragon?”
“I was just fooling around with you…”
“Why did you think I was a dork?”
“Well, I…”
“And above all, why the heck did you believe that I was a man!? I think it would be blatantly obvious whether I was a man or not!”
“Shut up!” yelled the Lady of the
“Whatever,” Red sighed with disappointment as she took the legendary blade from the zombie woman in front of her. “I guess this will help me get to grandmother’s house.”
“Child, this can do more than get you to your grandmother’s house! This sword can slay any creature you will it to!”
“Can it really?” Red asked.
“Of course it can, child.”
“What did you just call me?” Red asked the Lady of the
“I called you child. I have always called you child.”
“Yeah, that’s what I thought you said,” Red retorted. She grabbed a firm hold of Excalibur and sliced through the zombie woman in front of her. The Lady of the
Red strolled through the
Meanwhile, a man dressed in a green one-piece suit was leaping from tree to tree with the greatest of ease, following Little Red Riding Hood. He carried a quiver of arrows upon his back and held a large wooden bow in his left hand. He kept a close eye on Red, stopping whenever she stopped and hid in thick covers of leaves. He sensed that she was beginning to suspect that he was following her, so he decided to end her life then and there. He readied his bow, pulled a single arrow from his quiver, positioned it towards Red, and released the arrow. Red, being the ever vigilant little thing, sliced through the arrow with Excalibur with a single motion. The mysterious green man was shocked to see this little girl negate his ambush with no effort whatsoever. He grabbed three more arrows from his quiver and shot them all at Red simultaneously. Red, sensing that the arrows were coming once more, moved two inches to her left. Her motion propelled her out of the arrows’ range. She then looked in the direction that the arrows had come from, and saw the green feet of a man in the treetops. She flung Excalibur in the direction of the mysterious man. The blade struck him in the chest, and he fell to the ground, landing on his back. Red approached the wounded man and grabbed a hold of her sword once more. She pulled it out of the man’s chest and proceeded to check for any sign of life within him. She checked his pulse, heartbeat, and breathing, but nothing happened; the man was dead. Suddenly, within the blink of an eye, Red found herself surrounded by a group of men in green outfits and tights.
“Drop your sword!” yelled one of the men, who was particularly large in stature. “You cannot hope to defeat us all!”
Red did as she was told and dropped Excalibur to the ground. The large man approached her.
“Drop to your knees, girl!” he bellowed. Red did as she was told and dropped down onto her knees. “You have killed our precious leader! What do you have to say for yourself?”
“I say that he was shooting arrows at me when I was peacefully walking through the forest!” Red yelled back at him. “I wasn’t doing a thing!”
“Oh no, not again…” the large man started as he placed his hand onto his forehead.
“What’s the matter?” Red asked him, politely.
“That’s the third time this week he’s done this…what were you doing as you were walking?”
“Um…I was swinging my sword around in circles because I was bored.”
“Did you leave any marks on the trees, little girl?”
“I may have. I never thought to check.”
“Well that’s why he was trying to kill you, miss. You see, Robin was a tad on the insane side when it came to protecting the environment. I know that it’s important and all, but he just took it much too far.”
“Who is Robin?” Red asked.
“Who’s Robin? You don’t know of Robin Hood?” the large man asked her with shock in his voice.
“Nope, I don’t.”
“Robin Hood, also known as Robin of Loxley, was the leader of our jolly group of men who wear green outfits and tights. I guess you could call him a philanthropist. He stole from the rich and gave to the poor.”
“I’m sorry, but I really had no choice.”
“Don’t worry, I understand,” the large man said, sympathetically. “By the way, who are you?”
“My name is Little Red Riding Hood, but everyone calls me Red. Well, except for the Lady of the
“How did you know his nickname?” another man from the group shouted out.
“Shut up!” the large man yelled back to the man. “Hello, Red. My name is Little John.”
Red’s eyes shot wide open as Little John announced his name. Her eyes moved up and down the large figure of his torso as she rose back up to her feet. “That cannot be your name.”
“Why can it not be my name? It is rather fitting, considering my height.”
“But…you’re a giant!” Red shrieked out.
“Yes, but I am the smallest in my home village.”
“You don’t mean…?” Red started.
“Yes,” Little John interjected. “I hail from the village of giant troll dolls! I am the shortest to come from the village in seventy-five years. The last one who was anywhere near my height was the infamous Little Hobbit String Bean. He went rather mad and tried to slay the mayor of the giant troll doll village…” He paused for a moment. “Anyway, the only reason he went mad was because of the villagers’ midget jokes. You never want to get a short person angry, as it may be the final thing you ever do. Anyway, this is why I was never really picked on.”
“Wow that happened to the royal midget last month when he tried to escape from the castle!” Red quickly stated. “Only, he threw himself into King Richard’s moat. Except, it was drained so the royal plumber could scrape out the remains of Viking invaders, so he never made it.”
“You humans really need to learn from us troll dolls,” Little John laughed. “Anyway, how did you kill off Robin?”
“I threw my sword at him, and it went through his chest.”
Little John’s eyes became fixed upon Red’s blade. He fell to his knees and bowed to Red.
“What’s going on?” asked one of the other men surrounding them.
“You fool!” Little John shouted back towards the man who had just spoken. “Do you not realize the blade in which we are in the presence of?”
“Um…” the man said slowly. “No…”
“It’s the legendary blade Excalibur, you bumbling dunderhead!”
As these words were spoken, all the green-clad men fell to their knees, like Little John before them, and started to bow.
“All hail Little Red Riding Hood, the true King of England!” Little John cried out.
“All hail the King of England!” the green men chanted.
“Oh, come on!” Red yelled out. “Why does everyone I meet think I’m a man? I’m clearly a woman! I look like a woman, not a man! I dress like a woman, not a man! I don’t wear green tights like men!”
“But Red, we live in
“Yes, the Feudal Age is wondrous!” another cried out. “Who can resist the ability to barter for sheep and chickens with just water?”
“I don’t care if it’s the Feudal Age or the Dark Age!” screamed Red. “I’m a woman; therefore I am the Queen of England! Anyone who believes me to be a man shall lose their two best friends, and I do not mean your human companions!”
“Queen Red?” Little John said softly. “We’re eunuchs…”
Red became aghast with Little John’s statement. “What did you just say?”
“Every last one of us here is a eunuch. The Sheriff of Nottingham cut everything off when Robin got us captured during a raid to steal from the First Royal Bank of Prince John. We escaped, but had to leave something behind.”
“That’s horrible!” Red shrieked in disgust. “I shall help you all get your revenge. I need to settle a score with the Prince and the Sheriff myself, so you can all join me if you wish.”
The green-clad men looked around at each other, and then all eyes became fixed upon Little John. “All hail Queen Red!” he cried out as he bowed to her once more. The rest of the group followed suit, and Red placed her face into the palm of her left hand.
“Alright everyone, let us make haste to the castle!” Red called out to the group as she started to walk forward through the forest once more. The crowd of green tights followed her; some in the trees while some around her to give her more protection.
The group made its way through the outskirts of the
These thoughts filled the heads of Red and her conglomerate of green tights. However, they had become so dwelled in thought that they had not noticed that they were nearing the castle. As soon as the horns within the castle were blown to signal that an enemy was approaching, they all snapped out of thought and hid behind a giant boulder.
“Your highness,” Little John spoke to Red. “How are we supposed to get through their defenses?”
“Um…” Red began to stutter. “I have no idea, actually.” As Red spoke these words, the group fell to the ground in a mixture of shock and disappointment. How could their all-powerful new leader have failed them so quickly? “Wait a moment, I have an idea!”
“What is it, Queen Red?” asked one of the green-clad men.
“I will walk out into the open meadow over there and get their attention. This will make Prince John order the Sheriff of Nottingham to send his men after me. I’m on the top of their kill list right now because I apparently desecrated their royal pig. Anyway, the troops will come out and try to apprehend me. I’ll back up until everyone here is ahead of me, distance-wise. Then everyone with bows will come out and shoot at the enemy. Fall back behind the boulder and prepare to fire again. After the archers return, the men with blades will get in front of the conglomeration of archers to shield them. By the time the enemy reaches everyone, the archers will have their arrows ready once more, and they will shoot at the front line enemies. While they fall, the people with the swords can use the dead bodies as shields if they wish and they charge on the rest of the enemies. The archers will provide backup. Then, once everyone there is dead, we move up to the gate, where Little John will hit his thick skull against the castle doors and break them down. This is where everyone surrounds me and we storm the inside of the castle. I shall dispose of Prince John and the Sheriff of Nottingham, while the rest of you protect me and kill any other enemy that shows their face.”
“That’s a complicated plan, your majesty,” said Little John.
“And this is why it will work!”
“Or,” Little John replied swiftly, “We can just haul our rear ends to the castle and wing it!”
“I like the sound of your plan more, Little John!” Red said, hugging him. “Okay, everyone prepare to charge the castle!”
Red grasped Excalibur with the most firmness she had ever used, while Little John and his men readied their bows and swords. They each took a deep inhalation and then rushed out into the open meadow, heading right toward the castle, screaming at the top of their lungs. This got the attention of Prince John, who was sunbathing on the top of one of the fortress’ keeps. He stood up and gazed out upon the meadow, catching sight of Little John.
“Sheriff!” the prince yelled out.
The Sheriff of Nottingham rushed up to Prince John as soon as he heard his yelling. “What is it, sire?”
“Robin Hood’s men are attempting to storm the castle!” said the prince as he pointed down to the angry mob approaching the castle. “Go kill them!”
The Sheriff looked down upon the crowd of green tights, and noticed that there was a slight hint of red in the center. “Sire, look at the red dot in the center of the mob!”
This caused Prince John to look closer at them, and indeed he saw Little Red Riding Hood in the center. “What is that red menace doing with them?”
“I have no idea, sire,” the Sheriff replied. “However, I do believe I have a special greeting for them.”
“What do you mean, Sheriff?”
“Well, your majesty, I shall have the royal mage tend to them!”
“Do you mean that witch that always threatens to turn me into a newt just because I usurped the throne from my brother, Richard? I’ve always hated her!”
“Yes, sire. However, she does listen to me. I will command her to use her magical powers to annihilate our enemies with great haste.”
“Very well,” said the prince. “But Sheriff…?”
“What is it, my lord?”
“Make sure she doesn’t conjure up something that destroys my kingdom or me in the process. She’s always been on the psychotic side when it comes to doing…well, basically anything!”
“Understood, my lord,” said the Sheriff as he left the top of the keep.
The Sheriff of Nottingham made his way down the spiral staircase of the keep and exited the tower. He entered the main passageway of the castle and paced through it for several moments before turning a sharp left. From there, he made his way up a large staircase, leading to a room with three doors. He took the door farthest to his right and opened it. He walked into the room and closed the door. He took a step forward, but suddenly fell to the floor. He had tripped upon his own foot. He got back up and regained his composure before advancing farther into the depths of the room. He opened another door at the opposite end of the room, only to enter another passageway. This led to another keep opposite the one Prince John was sunbathing on. He made his way the spiral staircase of the tower, and walked through the entrance at the top. There, he stood in the chambers of the royal mage. The royal mage turned her head to look at the Sheriff.
“Hello, Evelyn-Baxter McDorfeldork,” the Sheriff said to her.
“Ah, if it isn’t the noble Sheriff of Nottingham,” the mage responded. “What business do you have with me?”
“His highness, Prince John, requests your aid in warding off invaders,” replied the Sheriff.
“Ah, Prince John wishes my help, does he? That walloping scoundrel dares ask for my assistance? Or was it you that suggested it once again, Sheriff?”
“It was me, Evelyn-Baxter,” said the Sheriff. “But please, you must help us. It is our duty to enforce the laws and protect the kingdom from troublemakers, you know this.”
“Was it also our duty to sit back while King Richard’s brother conquered the kingdom himself? Was it our duty to enforce his law when it is our king’s we should uphold? Was it the prince’s right to take away the comfy pillow I was given as a gift for my birthday?”
“Just shut up and help us out!” said the Sheriff with an irritated voice.
“Very well,” said the mage. “I will help the traitors once more. But just mind you, when the true king returns to the castle, you shall all be killed for your treasonous actions.”
“Evelyn-Baxter, we all know that Richard will not come back alive from the Crusades!” the Sheriff cried out.
However, the royal mage did not respond. Instead, she cast a spell to transport her from her chambers to outside the castle doors. She raised her scepter into the air and chanted a magical incantation. All of a sudden, a small giant troll doll appeared. She had just summoned the evil giant troll doll, Little Hobbit String Bean!
“Go destroy the invading force that is approaching the castle,” the mage ordered the evil giant troll doll. “Leave nobody alive.”
“Destroy!” roared the giant troll doll as he started to make his way toward the green-clad men. “Destroy invaders!”
The men noticed Little Hobbit String Bean rushing them. The archers in the group readied their arrows and shot at his face and chest. They all hit their mark; however the giant troll doll was neither phased nor harmed by the arrows. He continued to charge the group. This sent the men in green tights into a crazed panic. They began to scatter about the entire open meadow, trying to escape the oncoming onslaught of Little Hobbit String Bean.
However, Little Red Riding Hood remained vigilant and steadfast. She raised Excalibur into the air and uttered a battle cry so squeaky and high-pitched that it actually hurt the giant troll doll’s ears. The mage gazed upon Red, and her eyes shot wide open.
“It cannot be,” she uttered underneath her breath, watching the scene unfold in front of her.
Red met Little Hobbit String Bean’s charge with her own advance. She drew Excalibur behind her, readying to thrust into him. They got within striking distance of each other. The giant troll doll raised his fists into the air, readying himself to crush Red into the ground while Red kept Excalibur drawn behind her. Little Hobbit String Bean pummeled his fists down toward Red with great speed, but Red leaped forward to avoid the fists. Her momentum caused her to meet up with the giant troll doll’s body, and lunged Excalibur into his body, and cut sideways. The giant troll doll’s face suddenly radiated an immense feeling of pain and shock as he fell to the ground, slain. The mage who had been viewing these events began to smile.
“It is the one!” Evelyn-Baxter squealed as she jumped up and down in tremendous joy. “The true King of England has appeared! King Richard will be so ecstatic when he returns from the Crusades!”
The cheers of the royal mage got the attention of Red, whom started to approach her at the castle doors. Red looked upon the mage’s face, which bore a blissful expression.
“Arthur Pendragon, King of England, welcome!” said Evelyn-Baxter as she started to bow in the presence of Red and Excalibur.
“For the last time, I am not a man!” Red yelled. “My name is Red, and I am a woman!”
“Please accept my sincerest apologies, my liege,” begged the mage.
“Whatever,” Red retorted. “Are you going to show me how to get into the castle, or are you going to try to stop me as well?”
“I shall do you one better,” Evelyn-Baxter cried out in tears of joy. “I shall bring you right to Prince John and the Sheriff!”
“I like your style,” said Red, putting her arm around the mage. “Bring me to them right away!”
The mage raised her scepter. “Hold on,” she said as she began to murmur her magical incantation.
They immediately found themselves in the castle’s dining room, where Prince John and the Sheriff of Nottingham were filling their faces with food and drink. Red raised Excalibur into the air and cleared her throat loudly. This got the attention of the two feasters, who turned around to see what had caused this noise. Their jaws dropped to the floor as they saw Red holding Excalibur in the air with pride. They stood up and backed away at the speed of a snail.
“Get them, mage!” Red ordered Evelyn-Baxter.
“With pleasure!” she squealed. She then began to chant yet another spell. Upon hearing this, both Prince John and the Sheriff began to run away. However, Evelyn-Baxter raised her scepter, pointed it in the direction of the two men, and finished her spell. This caused a flash of bright white light to emanate. When the light receded, it was revealed to Red that there were two newts where the cowards had been standing.
“You turned them into newts?” Red asked the mage.
“I sure did,” replied Evelyn-Baxter. “They are my least favorite creatures in this world, so I felt they deserved to be turned into them.”
“Indeed,” Red stated as she walked up to the newts. She grabbed them by the tails and walked to the window on the opposite side of the room. She looked down at the empty moat, and dropped the newts down into it.
“That takes care of them,” laughed Red.
“Thank you for saving our kingdom, your majesty!” said Evelyn-Baxter. “We are forever in your debt.”
“Are you really in my debt?” Red asked.
“Yes, we are eternally in your debt!”
“Then please do two things for me,” Red stated.
“What is it that you wish?” asked the mage.
“First off, I wish to know the location of the Holy Grail!”
Evelyn-Baxter pulled the cup that Prince John had been drinking out of. It still had a bit of wine left inside it. “Here it is, Queen Red.”
“This is the Holy Grail?” Red asked.
“Yeah,” replied the mage. “We just made up the story of the Holy Grail to avoid getting into fights with the neighboring kingdoms.”
“That is ingenious,” Red added. “Secondly, why did you not turn them into newts before I appeared?”
“Well, your majesty,” began Evelyn-Baxter. “I am a rather lazy royal mage when King Richard is not around.”
“Why do you keep talking about this King Richard fellow?”
“Because,” replied the mage. “I’m rather fond of him. He once gave me a hallowed out coconut, and it was the only gift I have ever gotten.”
“That was nice of him,” said Red.
“I suppose,” the mage replied. “However, I was the one who had to decide whether he or John became king. Prince John never gave me anything.
“So, he bribed you?”
“Basically, yes.”
“No matter,” Red added. “I am off to visit my grandmother’s house. Though I do not need her diplomatic immunity anymore, I still want to see her. It has been much too long.”
“Goodbye, Queen Red!” Evelyn-Baxter called out as her eyes began to well up with tears. “I shall take care of the castle until King Richard returns. If you ever need anything, you know where to find me!”
Red waved goodbye to Evelyn-Baxter and made her way out of the castle. She walked through the open meadow calling out to all of Robin Hood’s men, calling them pansies. She made her way into the forest and followed the road that led from the castle. She followed the road for several miles until she came across a small log cabin. She ran up to the sign that was right outside the door, which read ‘Grandma’s House – Losagamian Embassy.’ She entered the house and had a wonderful indoor picnic with Grandma.