This is just my own version of the classic fairy tale. I have given each pig a name and have edited the storyline, but the basic format of the fairy tale has stayed mostly intact.
Once upon a time, there were three little pigs that were moving out of their mother’s house. They had all failed to get and maintain a job, and were eight months behind in rent, so their mother was evicting them from the premises. They couldn’t afford to rent a moving truck, so the only possessions they could bring with them were wrapped up in little knapsacks that were tied to sticks that they found underneath their mother’s couch. They walked out the front door and were met by their mother.
“I want you freeloaders off my property posthaste!” the mother squealed at them.
“Yes, mother,” replied Rupert, the first pig.
“Whatever,” the second pig, Stewie, replied.
“Sleep with one eye open from now on!” Dougie, the third pig, yelled.
The three little pigs made their way down the dirt road that led into the nearby forest. As they neared the forest itself, the pigs’ mother yelled out to them, “Whatever you left in the house is being sold to help compensate for your missed rent!” But the pigs just ignored her, and entered the forest. They made their way down the forest road slowly, making sure they didn’t run into any of the dangers that their mother had warned them about when they were but little piglets. Some of these dangers included hungry campers, wolves, and the extremely hostile ostrich farmers. Yes, the ostrich farmers around the area fed bacon to their ostriches. A few moments had passed, when there was a sudden burst of mysterious noise. The three little pigs froze in terror as the sound went off once more.
“What is that strange noise?” asked Rupert.
“I don’t know what it was,” replied Stewie. “But it’s starting to scare me!”
“Calm down, piglets,” Dougie spoke boldly to his two brothers. “We need to keep moving forward to find ourselves a new home!”
“No way!” Stewie replied. “Our safety is the number one priority right now! We can find a new home at any time, but staying alive is an endless task!”
“I thought we were just trying to find someone else to mooch off of!” Rupert cried out.
“Shut up!” both Dougie and Stewie yelled at Rupert, simultaneously.
“I think we’ve reached an impasse,” said Dougie. “I think it would be best if we split up for a while until we all get on our feet.”
“I agree with you on this one, Dougie,” replied Stewie. “It would be easier that way.”
“But I don’t want to split up! Let’s stick together!” Rupert cried out.
“It really doesn’t matter what you think,” said Dougie. “It only takes two thirds of us here to split everyone up into groups of one.” And with that, Dougie and Stewie went off in separate directions, leaving Rupert to cry his eyes out under a tree, alone.
Rupert, now abandoned by his two brothers, wiped his eyes, got up onto his feet, and started to move. He feared for his life as he made his way through a small clearing that was unmarked by roads. He moved slowly and ever vigilantly through the clearing. After a few minutes, he found what looked to be an old stone well. The well was surrounded by trees and dead ostriches. Rupert looked at the dead ostriches and chuckled lightly underneath his breath. He looked down into the well. There, he saw the most surprising sight he had ever seen. It was an abundance of drinking straws, along with a few more dead ostriches. He emptied the contents of his knapsack, which was comprised of food and drink that was wrapped up in a blanket, and reached down for some of the straws. This, however, proved to be futile, as Rupert’s arms were incredibly short. But of course, anyone who stood at two feet seven inches tall would have short arms, right? So Rupert grabbed a rather large stick and poked at the straws like a pitchfork picking up hay. It worked relatively well, and he filled his knapsack with a load of the wondrous drinking straws. He went back into the clearing and dropped them down onto the ground. He took the blanket of the knapsack and returned to the straw-bearing well. He took the same stick and acquired another full load of straws before returning to the clearing once more. But when Rupert got to the clearing, he noticed that something had happened to the other drinking straws. They were all spread out throughout the area of the clearing. So he dropped the straws that he was carrying onto the ground like he had done with the other load of straws, and went to clean up the mess. Rupert went at it for about fifteen minutes before retrieving the scattered straws, and returned to where he had placed the second pile to add to it. But as he placed the straws down on top of the pile, a violent burst of wind suddenly gusted in the clearing, causing a rainstorm of drinking straws that spread everywhere. Rupert let out an oink of frustration as he went to pick everything up once more. After about a half hour had passed, he had finally gathered the straws once more. But instead of staying in the clearing, he went back to the well. He placed the straws onto the ground and started to build a structure out of them. It took him a while, but he ended up creating his own shelter purely out of drinking straws. Rupert stood right outside of his new home and stared with pride in his eyes. He went inside and decided to take a nap on the ground that made his floor.
Then, all of a sudden, there was a strange noise coming from outside Rupert’s house. He opened his eyes, stood up, and went out to learn what was happening. He walked out the door and around to the side of the house to find a disturbing sight. Tens upon tens of ostriches were gnawing upon the drinking straws that made up the foundation of the house. Rupert squealed in terror at the sight of the feathered fiends desecrating his shelter. But the birds heard him, and they made their way toward Rupert himself. They surrounded him and started to peck at him with their sharp beaks. Rupert tried to cry out for help, but nothing came out of his mouth because he was too terrified. So he ran as fast as could back through the clearing and back through the woods, hoping to find one of his two brothers. But as he made his way back, he noticed the foot of a suspicious-looking wolf hiding behind a tree. Had the wolf been the one who had put the ostriches up to attacking his house? Rupert kept asking that very question to himself inside his mind as he kept on running.
Meanwhile, Stewie continued his trek along the forest path. There were many trees along the sides of the road, which Stewie kept finding himself staring at for some strange reason. He soon found himself lulled into a hypnotic trance as he kept staring at the trees that he kept passing. As Stewie kept on walking in his trance, he unknowingly entered an old, abandoned mine. He made his way down the tunnels and into complete darkness before he snapped out of his trance and started to panic. He felt around and located a box of matches and what he believed to be a candle. He lit the object’s wick, and an eerie light began to emit from it. It turned out to be a candle, after all. He made his way back toward the entrance of the mine, even though he did not know it. Stewie kept propelling himself forward, but stubbed his foot against a stack of crates. Naturally, he was curious, so he took his candle and looked inside the crates. There, he found a large quantity of candles. So Stewie grabbed the crates and made his way out of the mine. He went into a shaded area just outside of the mine and dumped the ‘candles’ out of the crates he had carried. Then, like Rupert before him, he started to create a shelter out of the materials that he had found. After a few more trips back into the mine for more ‘candles’ and a couple of rearrangements of his building materials, Stewie had created his own house. He had left all the wicks on the outside of the house so he would not have any accidents while making dinner, which he thought was a rather intelligent decision. He then sat down on the ground that made up his floor, as it had Rupert’s, and started to think about what he would eat later on.
But, out of the blue, Stewie heard a strange noise emitting from outside his house. He sat perfectly still and silent as he listened carefully to the noise. It sounded like footsteps that were going around the house. Stewie then decided it best to remain inside his shelter, as he did not know the dangers he would face on the outside. After a couple of minutes, he heard the noise that the strange footsteps were creating cease, and then the sound of sandpaper rubbing up against something filled the air for the briefest moment. Stewie then heard a strange sound that resembled static. He then heard the footsteps once more, only this time it sounded like they were moving in a rush instead of the stalking pace they were at before. As he was about to stand up, there was a giant explosion. Stewie was immediately launched up into the air from the force of the blast. It was in that moment that he realized what had happened; he had built his house out of sticks of dynamite instead of candles. As he flew through the air, he could hear the sound of laughter, howling, and coughing mixing from down in the woods where his house had been. After flying high through the air for a couple of minutes, Stewie landed in a stream. He washed his face off with the crystal clear water and went on his way.
As for Dougie, he had been wandering aimlessly since he had split up with the others. He had left the forest completely and had wandered into a nearby village. The locals there did not take a shining to him at all. Once he had entered the village, everybody boarded up their doors and windows, all the shops had immediately shut down, and the people who were locked outside buried their heads in the dirt like ostriches. Dougie had spotted boxes upon boxes of toy bricks. He figured that if anyone really wanted them, they would not have left them out where anybody could take them, so he took the boxes of toy bricks and made his way back out of town. He returned to the edge of the forest and put the boxes down on the ground. He dumped all the toy bricks out onto the ground and sorted them out by color. As he was about to start with the construction of his own shelter, Stewie appeared from the forest and confronted Dougie.
“I think it may have been a mistake to split up,” said Stewie, weakly.
Dougie looked at Stewie with a puzzled look. “What happened to you?” he asked.
“I made a house out of dynamite and it all exploded on me,” Stewie replied.
“And what possessed you to make a house out of dynamite? You’re the smart one of the group, for crying out loud!”
“I thought they were candles!” Stewie retorted with a sharp tone.
While the two of them were arguing amongst themselves, Rupert had found his way to the same spot. He looked at them and smiled, overjoyed to see them both in one piece. “Dougie! Stewie! How have you two been?”
“It’s been better,” Stewie said quickly.
“Hey,” Dougie interjected. “Since the two of you are here with me, would you care to help me build a house? It seems like us being separate from each other isn’t serving any of us well.”
“I’ll help you,” said Rupert. “I need a place to stay anyway. My house was destroyed.”
“You too?” asked Dougie.
“Yeah,” replied Rupert. “Those evil ostriches were eating away at my house!”
And with that, the three little pigs started making a third house out of toy bricks. A couple of hours had passed before they finally finished. They stared in glory over what they had just created. It wasn’t just a house, but an entire fortress! They walked inside and went up to the top of it to gaze upon the surrounding landscape.
But all of a sudden, the same wolf that Rupert had spotted earlier appeared out of the forest. It walked up to the fortress and looked up at the three little pigs. Rupert looked down with shock as the wolf stared straight into his eyes.
“Are you the wolf that was around my house when the ostriches attacked?” Rupert asked the wolf.
“And are you the thing that blew up my house?” Stewie interrupted.
“Yes, I am the one who was responsible for all of that. And now, I will destroy this house!”
Dougie suddenly burst out with his own words. “I appreciate the fact that you made my two siblings here look like utter fools, but you will not be destroying our fortress here.”
At that very moment, the wolf picked up a giant sledgehammer. He raised it into the air and got ready to swing. “Normally, I would blow houses like this down,” he started. “But seeing as I have asthma that would be out of the question now wouldn’t it?” He swung the sledgehammer and smashed a hole in the toy brick wall. This made Dougie extremely upset. He jumped down from the top of their fortress and grabbed the wolf by the ear. He then yanked on it as the wolf started to whimper in pain.
“You stupid wolf! It’s going to take around fifteen entire minutes to fix that wall!” Dougie yelled as he continued to pull the wolf by the ear as he made his way into town. “I’m putting you in therapy and anger management right now!”
And with that, the wolf was put into a corrections facility, the three little pigs fixed their toy brick fortress, and everyone, except the wolf, lived happily ever after.